i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
