Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You can't just leave with hair like that
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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