Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
