Ambien. No doubt about it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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