Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
