i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
