Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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