apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
