i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
