Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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