I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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