Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
