I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
