He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
