My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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