So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
