I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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