She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
