Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
