i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
