Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
