I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Two words: nipple clamps
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