drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
