She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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