just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
