he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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