Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize