I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
