New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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