it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If I die, sorry about rent.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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