I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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