I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
