Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
