Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
