i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
