Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
