I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
