Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
