I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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