Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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