I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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