Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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