Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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