He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
