Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
