My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
