I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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