From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
