My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
