So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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