dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
