Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i permit you to call me
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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