the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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