how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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