wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
