woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
