hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
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I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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