when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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