So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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