so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses youâ€
Randomize
